I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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