mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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