my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
