Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
