I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My penis needs a shock collar
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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