he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
