he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
