i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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