awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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