Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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