So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It's official drugs can't kill me
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
