I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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