RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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