Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
