ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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