the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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