farters have to be the big spoon...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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