I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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