[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
