he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
