I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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