It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
They have beer where we have blood.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
