you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
