If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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