Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
