We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
