I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
