quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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