it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
false alarm, still single
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