Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Im part way to drunk.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
