her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
