I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
