Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
be right there i have to get my cape
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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