Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
