woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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