Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We just shotgunned beers for America
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
