So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Then you guys just all showered together...?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
