We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
