I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
