So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
