Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
