My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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