dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
