Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
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