moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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