so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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