Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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