I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
