some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
