Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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