My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I did not marry a roomba.
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