my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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