I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
my shit smells like andre
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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