ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize