Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
