I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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