i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
