hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
