Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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