she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You did what with his pubic hair?
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