so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
