I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize