I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
