AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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