we're blogging at a bar
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
